High Tech Co-Parenting with On-Line Calendaring

By: Lesley E. Cohen, Esq.

The other day I was watching a reality television show and saw a custody conflict play-out.  Mom asks Dad if she can have some time with the child on Halloween even though it is Dad’s day with the child.  Dad incredulously asks why he would allow that when the previous week, Mom refused to give him some time with the child on the child’s birthday.  Mom says that she denied Dad’s request the previous week because he did not ask her until the day of the birthday.  Because Mom had not heard from Dad before the birthday, she made plans.  To Mom, her request is different because she is asking Dad for some extra time days before Halloween.  To Dad, he has no reason to be flexible with Mom because she did not concede to his request.

This scenario is practically the same scenario that I have heard from clients countless times.  I have heard it from both sides, from moms and from dads.  To some extent, both parties are correct.  In this case, Mom is correct that, if Dad is going to ask for extra time, he should do so early enough that accommodating his request does not require her to change plans that she had every right to make.  On the other hand, Dad is also correct that Mom should be flexible whenever possible, and, if she is not going to be flexible with him, he will not be flexible with her.

In this case, lack of common courtesy and poor communication caused conflict.  The parties may learn from their mistakes and strive for more courtesy and communication.  Human nature being what it is, however, I doubt it.  After all, even when parents are together or are separated with little conflict, keeping track of a child’s busy schedule and activities, including school work, school schedules, extracurricular events, family events and medical appointments, can be difficult.

An on-line child custody calendar can help prevent conflict while making co-parenting easier.  On-line calendars foster courtesy and communication and can be accessed from anywhere.  Different calendars also have various features such as message boards, photo sharing, expense managers and medical management. Further, while I doubt it is necessary or conducive to minimizing conflict, some calendars even allow the parties’ attorneys access.

There are numerous on-line custody calendars.  Some calendars do require a fee of approximately $10.00 t0 $15.00 per month, but, if the calendar is the right one for your family, it will be priceless.  After all, according to the headline I recently saw on a tabloid at the grocery store check out, that reality couple is still fighting over custody.

My suggestion for getting started is to go on-line and look at the various options.  Many of the calendars which do require a fee have a free trial period.  Determine which calendar you think will work best for your situation.  Provide the other parent with the information that you have gathered.  If the calendar that you think works best does have a fee, you may want to consider offering to make the first payment.  That way, the other parent has nothing to lose in trying it.

Studies have shown that when separated parents are in conflict, it can be more detrimental to a child than the fact that his or her parents are separated.  Sometimes conflicts cannot be avoided and one or both parties are going to be unreasonable no matter what.  If, however, parents are willing to put in a little effort, they can make scheduling with each other much easier.  In turn, they can help their children to be much happier.